The Return of John Detling: Housefellow
|
|
| Book of Christian |
This script has never seen the light of day. Of course, it still hasn't, unless you're on a Powerbook in Library Mall. I wrote it over semester break (I think) 1994-1995. One of the reasons I wasn't too anxious to perform the piece was the fact that it didn't seem to offer anything new. Still, there are some nice bits.
SCENE: Purcell House den. DECADENT YOUTH 1 & 2 stand on either end of a couch, preparing to lift it up. DY1: I still can't believe we're doing this. Are you sure he's out tonight? DY2: Yeah, I'm sure. Anyway, the Purcell House den's the last place he'd think to look for us. DY1: Yeah. Why hasn't he graduated yet? Is he on the Darrell Bevell plan or something? DY2: Who cares? After this year we'll never see him again. DY1: Yeah, I...hey! What was that? DY2: What was what? [goes outside to investigate, staggers back inside ] DY1: Hey! [goes outside, is thrown back in ] JOHN DETLING enters, smoking a cigarette JD: Sorry, boys. [tosses cigarette aside ] Can't avoid John Detling that easily. DY1: Go to hell, Detling! DY2: Yeah, go to hell! JD: Well, now. What kind of attitude is that? Life on Purcell House couldn't have been that bad for you. Especially since you were still in your room 24 and a half hours after your last final. DY1: Yeah, well you didn't have to throw us out the way you did! DY2: You could have let us finish packing, you know! JD: Rules are rules, boys. It's my job to enforce them. Of course, I don't expect you to care too much about housing regulations. DY1: Sorry to disappoint you, Detling. DY2: Yeah, I'll bet we just ruin your day. JD: Well, you have been pretty busy this year, I must admit. I didn't think you had the energy to pull the stuff off you did. DY1: Like what? DY2: Yeah, we didn't do anything! JD: Well, for starters, there was that erotic phone message placed on the Pop's Club menu hotline. DY1: We don't know anything about that. DY2: And you can't prove we did it! [pause ] 'Cause we didnŐt know anything about it! And in order to prove someone did something, they have to have known about it in order to do it! And we... DY1 & JD: Shut up! JD: The disappearance of the Sellery Hall camcorder. You don't know anything about that? DY1: No clue. JD: The big screen TV? You weren't the guys that stuck a pencil into the controls? DY1: No sir. JD: I could go on, but I'm sure you've been keeping clean all year. DY1: Of course! DY2: You should be proud of us, Detling! JD: [pause ] You know, it's hard to believe that all these things could happen without anyone getting caught. DY1: Yeah, well, you must be losing it, Detling. DY2: Yeah, I guess w--they're just too smart for you. JD: Right. [ pause ] You get along with your new house fellow, boys? DY1: Jeff Emmer? Uh...yeah, we get along fine. DY2: Yeah, he's cool. JD: Really? That's exactly what he said about you...at first. DY1: At first? DY2: Waddaya mean? JD: [smirks ] Me, Jeff and the Badger Buddies had a real nice, long chat last night. Right in this den, in fact. [pause ] Jeff talked, boys. [pause ] Bribing a house fellow is pretty serious business. DY1: Hey, man. We were just screwing around. DY2: Yeah, man. You can't, like, kick us out or anything. JD: Well, I don't have concrete evidence against you boys. Nothing that an American court would accept, anyway. And even if I did, it takes a while to take care of these things through official channels. However...you're on my floor now. And I've got some Badger Buddies who would love to meet you guys. DY1: Hey, man! Just keep those freaks away from us! I heard what they did to that guy who pulled the fire alarm! DY2: Yeah! They touch me and I'll sue! JD: [dryly ] Will you? I'm on my way to get them right now. We should be here in about...ten seconds. If you two happen to be absent, then let's hope this is the last time I see you. JOHN DETLING exits DY1 & 2 look at each other, angry , dazed and confused. Then... DY1 & 2: Damn you, Detling! DY1 & 2 exit
Added to Detnet: October 1st, 1995