Date: Sun, 24 Mar 96 13:17:58 CST  
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From: "Nemesis" 
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Subject: RE: Mammalian-Americans have feelings too!
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24-March-96
NewsNet -- A subsidiary of Nemesis Produktions 
Neil M. Sheldon, Editor in Chief

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

   Riots broke out within the rodent population of San Francisco this morning
after the announcement of Jude Lance Ito's judgement on the infamous Chinatown
Mass Rat Drowning.  The incident occured some months ago when one Henry
Libbish of Kansas City, Missouri reportedly led millions of rats to their
death in San Francisco bay.  Soon after the incidents, leaders of the local
rat population pressed charges against Libbish, saying that he had comitted
an obviously malicious and light-hearted attempt at genocide.
   Libbish was brought to trial in Los Angeles upon the request of the San
Francisco City Board of Health due to a regulation which prohibits rats to
be intentionally allowed within public buildings, another controversial law
which has seriously harmed the legal profession in the area.  After weeks of
litigation, the jury reached a verdict of not guilty for Libbish yesterday.
When news of the verdict was read to a crowd of rats in San Francisco,
gathered on the very pier which the unfortunate incident had taken place,
the announcer was immediately attacked by a number of rather large rats, and
the mass-confusion continued through the streets of San Francisco as a riot
seemed to erupt almost spontaneously.
   The judgement comes at the end of a long and convuluted series of events
beginning on June 20th, 1995.  On this day, Libbish, while visiting an
antique shop in San Francisco's ethnicly diverse Chinatown neighborhood,
obtained a small bronze statue of a rat for the sum of twelve dollars, while
refusing to pay a sum of one thousand dollars to the shopowner for the
story behind the statue.
   Leaving the shop, Libbish was alarmed to find a number of rats following
him.  After walking nervously for some time, these rats were joined by a
number of other rats.  Intimidated by this crowd, Libbish began to run down
a hill towards San Francisco Bay.  Upon reaching the pier, he climbed up a
lamppost and threw the bronze statue into the sea, causing millions of rats
who had been following him to chase after the statue, falling to their
deaths in the sea.
   Mickey Rat, spokesrat for the San Francisco population first brought into
the public eye by underground comics artist and rodent's rights activist
R. Crumb, reported that the statue was a 'national treasure' of his people.
It had been stolen some time before by a group of local men and sold to the
shopowner for the sum of fifty cents, and rats had been searching for it for
some time, as the police had been uncooperative in the matter.  Chet-whee
and Tik-tik-shree had been posted in the sewers outside the shop because
they had good cause to believe that the statue was inside the shop, and were
waiting for some clue which could confirm their suspicions.
   When they saw the statue being carried out by Libbish, they immediately
began to call to him.  When Libbish did not respond, not understanding the
Rats' language, they continued to run after him.  When he ran, they could
only assume that he was trying to escape and ran after him, calling out
fellow rats as they continued the chase.  Upon reaching the bay, they
believed that they would finally have cornered Libbish and have a chance to
talk to him peacefully, but were shocked to see him throw the statue into
the sea.  In a mass heroic effort, millions of them immediately jumped into
the sea after it, attempting to retrieve the statue.  But the statue sank
to the bottom of the bay, and most of the rats, who were unable to swim,
drowned.
   The controversy was further brought to public attention through the work
of rat activist Johny Chang.  Recently, he called to the public to
sympathize with the Rats' cause, showing how thousands of years of
oppression had led to the current state of the Rat's position in society.
His statement that Rats should be referred to as Mammalian-Americans brought
ridicule from a number of other activists who said that such a term implied
that Rats are the only mammals living in the United States, which is
definitely not the case.  This also led to a recent resurgence of bad
feelings towards rats by many European-Americans for the deaths of their
ancestors to plagues brought into Europe in the 1300's by Middle Eastern
rats attempting to colonize the European homelands.
   Ito heard the testimony of both sides of the case, and said that Libbish
had just cause to believe that the rats had indeed been attempting to attack
him, and that his maneuver to throw the statue into the bay had been an act
of self-defense.  Although he was drowned out by the noise of jeering rats
in the courtroom, he did go on to say that the City of San Francisco should
pay for the retrieval of the statue from the Bay and the return of it to the
Rat Embassy in that city.
   Nonetheless, the riots continue in San Francisco.  Large numbers of
restaurants and other public places have been forced to close down due to
rats barricading the doors, holding humans hostage, and swarming over their
food.  It is not just the local population either, Rats from as far away as
Moscow have been arriving to support their California brethren.  A spokesman
for the New York Rats, the only population of rats in this world which is
seen to have some autonomy within Human government, said that the San
Francisco rats were supported in their time of grief but did not feel that
violence was necessarily a just answer to their problem.
   M. Mouse a very successful entertainment executive who began his own
career as an activist in a similar position as his distant relative Mickey
Rat and went on to create an image of cuteness for his people and many other
animals throughout the world, said "We agree that this incident is very
unfortunate, and we feel for the rodent population of San Francisco.
However, to appeal to their good feelings, we are making this offer to the
rats.  We will pay for them all to be flown on a private jet to Orlando,
Florida, where they will be taken in helicopters over our theme parks and
allowed to see their glory for a comfortable distance."  Mouse refused to
comment on his much more generous offer of year-round passes for the
same parks to Libbish and his family in return for a commercial spot which
had been filmed immediately following the trial.
   Libbish was himself morose over the actions of the
San Francisco Rat Populations.  "I feel badly for the events which I have
unwittingly caused in San Francisco, and beg that the rats cease their
violence, in return I will personally help the city of San Francisco
retrieve the statue from the bay.  Can't we all just get along?"
   Libbish plans to return to Kansas City after his family's approaching
trip to Florida.  Libbish works as a political activist for the Democratic
Farm-Labor Party in Missouri, where he is well-known for his political humor
column in the Kansas City Gazette.

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