The Book Of Roger
As translated by Jason L. Gohlke
1 A letter by the disciple Zhee-Zahn to the living survivors of the Detling
2 Once, millenia ago, there existed a community of outcasts, lepers, and
assorted smart people in a village called Detling.
3 It was generally regarded as good, all things considered.
4 Village life was innocently enjoyable, if relatively unproductive and
short-sighted. The village achieved a stable size soon after its creation.
Each year a number of residents migrated into the village, and roughly the
same number moved out. The mayor was chosen each year by random lot.
3 In the fall of the year of 1993, in which a number of very dumb smart
people migrated to the village of Detling, three of those very dumb smart
people did a very dumb smart thing.
4 The FlyButt, tablet of terror, paper of putrescence, fount of falsehoods,
and deliverer of deception into the hearts and minds of Detlingites, was
spawned by Arbitrarily Rotten and Contemptuous Horrors (the demons ARCH) in
the aforementioned fall of the year of 1993.
5 One fateful day in said autumn, a single evil-drenched, destiny-laden
copy of the FlyButt materialized in Detling's Temple 266, which was at that
time inhabited by very fresh young beings, at least one of whom aptly had
the standing of "wise fool."
6 Most Detling village residents shunned the FlyButt, it being boring in
their sight. However, various tempting false prophecies and codes often
were contained within. Such codes, if used with the assistance of the
foul-smelling witch Eudora and her sickening familiars "X-Sender" and
"Apparently-From," sent magical visions and misleading messages to
high-ranking officials, such as the Lord High Housing Director, His Majesty
the Chancellor, and the powerful demon PotUS.
7 Soon after the appearance of the inaugural FlyButt rag, Yahzon, Grees,
and Yake (three dumb smart Detling denizens of Temple 266), visiting with
village alchemist Hallie and future mayor Eh-Mee, became bored with their
guests. They surreptiously began casting silly, evil, and just plain dumb
spells through Eudora. Soon -- and the details would horrify any righteous
disciple reading this text -- His Majesty the Chancellor David the Ward was
under the impression that Lord High Housing Director Norman, Steed of the
Sun had resigned his position effective that moment. His Majesty directed
his minions to accept the resignation -- sources indicate that they acted
on said directive.
8 The poor fools, meanwhile, lived blithely for the next month, eating
food, fornicating, and even getting nice jobs. Then all hell broke loose.
9 The gears of the county Youdouble Yew turned slowly but surely.
Associate High Priest of Students Roger Howard sent for Yahzon, Grees, and
Yake, who were dragged screaming into his office. Chief Executioner George
the Headless greeted the stunned fools with a predatory grin.
10 Yahzon wept.
11 High Priest Roger pitied the fools, but, in deference to the
frighteningly impassioned George, sentenced them to death. High Priest
Roger went mad of guilt the next morning.
12 As for Detling, it became suddenly, mysteriously contaminated a scant 3
years later, and had to be evacuated. Village residents (present and
former) mourned its passing, and cried out when slimy beasts replaced them.
Who can say whether or not the actions of Yahzon, Grees, and the nefarious
Yake were the cause of this tragedy?
13 Not I, my friend, not I.
14 The Detlingites created new cities in the far land of Chadde Borne, but
it wasn't the same.
1 Yea, verily, though thou art tempted by the evil ways of X-Sender and
Eudora, the path of the ignorant is beset on all sides by the tyranny of
bureaucratic, officious, humorless men.
2 Avoidest thou at all costs the path of Yahzon, Grees, and Yake.
3 Above all, be thou very thankful that the magic code for the potent PotUS
wasn't correctly printed in the FlyButt.