John Detling: House Fellow
	Book of Christian

SCENE: Typical decadant dorm room. Loud, trashy, yet strangely                  

            appealing music playing. Cat lies on pillow. DECADENT     

            YOUTH #1  and DECADENT YOUTH  #2 lounge around.



DY1: Hey man, they should be here by now. Where are they?

DY2: I don't know, man. [Laughs] Maybe they're saying goodbye to our 

      former house fellow.

DY1: [Laughs] Yeah. I didn't think he'd last as long as he did. 

[Knock on door]

DY1: Hey, get the door! It's them!

[DY2 gets up and opens door, revealing imposing figure of JOHN DETLING]

DY2: Hey! [Motions to DY1; DY1 turns down radio] Who are you, man?

JD:  Name's Detling. [Lights cigarette]  John Detling. I'm your new

      house fellow.

DY2: Hey, man, I thought this was a smoke-free hall.

JD:  Tell it to the dean. [Enters room] You guys don't mind if I come in, 

      do you? [Looks around room] Well, well. Having a little party, are 

      we boys? [Turns radio off] You know quiet hours went into effect 

      half an hour ago.

DY1: Aw, sorry Detling. We disturbing your sleep?

JD:  [Tosses cigarette on floor, strides over to DY1 and grabs DY1 by     

      shirt] I never sleep, pal! You want to know what keeps me up at     

      night? It's the thought of scum like you infesting Purcell House. You 

      and your kind make me sick. And I will not rest until you start 

      showing some respect for your residence hall. [Releases DY1] 



     But enough of that. [Continues looking around room. Sees cat and  picks 

      it up] Well now, here's an unusual  aquarium pet.

DY1: Hey man, you leave Sylvester alone!

JD:  Oh, he'll be left alone, all right. [Pause] Say boys, it's kind of drafty 

      in here, wouldn't you say? [Goes to window and parts curtain] Well, 

      well, well, no screen! How about that? Guess this room got a little 

      too stuffy, huh?

DY2: Yeah, well, we need a lot of air. More than most people. It's a     

      medical thing.

JD:  Really? This medical thing wouldn't extend to throwing condoms 

      filled with Snapple onto passersby, would it?

DY1: Hey, man, we don't know anything about that.

JD:  Of course you don't. [Looks out window, then looks at cat, petting 

      it] Say, you boys ever see The Good Son?

DY2: No way, man. That Macly Cawkin dude's a freak!

JD:  Sorry you feel that way. [Looks at cat] Tell me something, Sylvester. 

      If I let you go, you think you'll land on all fours? [Tosses cat out 

      window]

[DY1 and DY2 rush to window]

DY1: [Angry and sorrowful whine]

DY2: [Shocked] What do you think you're doing man?

JD:  Making this hall a better place to live. [Makes way to door] I think 

      I'll go easy on you boys this time. But if I were you I'd check up on 

      what's acceptable and what's not in a University residence hall. I'd 

      hate to have to toss you guys out.

DY1: [Recovering] Hey, man, we'll get you for this!

DY2: [Recovering] Yeah, we've got friends! We're gonna kill you, man!

[JD stops, turns around]

JD:  I'm afraid your new Badger Buddies wouldn't exactly ignore an 

      attempt to knock off your house fellow. And they're not the kind of 

      people you want on your case. You got a problem, write it on my 

      evaluations. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a hall to monitor     

      [Turns to leave]

DY1: You're not gonna get away with this!

DY2: Yeah, man! Just who do you think you are?

[JD turns slowly around]

JD: I told you. [Pause] I'm your house fellow. [Leaves]

[DY1 and DY2 look at each other, angry, dazed and confused. Then...]

DY1 and DY2: SYLVESTER!!! [DY1 and DY2 rush out]